amy

Epitaph

An old willow with hollow branches
slowly swayed his few high gright tendrils
and sang:

Love is a young green willow
shimmering at the bare wood's edge.



Thursday

I have had my dream--like others--
and it has come to nothing, so that
I remain now carelessly
with feet planted on the ground
and look up at the sky--
feeling my clothes about me,
the weight of my body in my shoes,
the rim of my hat, air passing in and out
at my nose--
and decide to dream no more.




William Carlos Williams

i feel beauty light up every cell that i can feel when i breath in. the world Is endless richness, infinite depths of richness in every last particle. each undefined yet definite present moment and every being partaking in this one huge moment of existence can make something out of every moment, out of everything around us. anything can be used to create; or left as is to be appreciated and fill the world or a passing heart with meaning. i just love feeling richness, feeling meaning, it's my favorite thing! i realize this every time i'm feeling it but even more so after removing myself from it for a while. god if i can just hold the smallest grip on what and who i am and the context of my life in this world, i have everything. it's all a matter of what you do with your matter

in the deepest ocean, bottom of the sea . . . .. . ..

O.
  o
    .O
0
    O o
o

mojo pin

We're standing in a field, the sun is all we feel
If you'll just come with me, a sunflower is what I'll be

a second before i clicked to write this i realized it's not words that are failing me, i have words, not too many, but enough. it's so much more than that that i can't even fully understand what it is. it's a struggle of my entire mind to configure this heart of mine and it's interactions with the rest of the world. it seems much more than that even. i do feel capable of anything it will take to go through this life but at times have been made to question what i can do when things are so much bigger than myself. what i'm saying is barely significant and isn't helping me in the slightest.
maybe these will.

where and how i choose to spill my insides will always be forever changing. each sentence i say on these days is 1/1000 of what i mean, on my best attempts. what ever happened to my ability for well-roundedness? complication happened, the entire spectrum of emotion happened and continues on, fluctuating between entire dimensions during immeasurably small fragments of time. i feel it all, know it all throughout every layer of my being, but it's too much to bring together into the forefront of my mind. it's ungathered, even when most of my effort is put into gathering and resolving. words aren't exactly what's in order at this time.

if i somehow could have recorded the single dream i had last night, i would have nearly every aspect of my life layed out in front of me, every detail thoroughly considered and presented. i would most likely have answers to questions that i haven't even come to ask myself yet. questions that only exist as natural products of my current life but haven't yet been seen by my conscious mind. it's interesting that my mind can create this world while i'm dreaming in which everything is understood and explained, and that it can be lost simply upon waking. leaving me here in the waking world with this confusion that has already been exstinguished by the deepest parts of my mind.

at times i wish that the full spectrum of my current consciousness could spill itself out into a jumbled ball that naturally molded and shaped itself into the perfect form to express it's entirety. i guess that's exactly what is being attempted every time we try to express ourselves in any way, we're just usually doing it with a concentration on a specific feeling or idea. my consciousness has become something much like me looking at myself in a mirror, then standing back and looking at myself looking in a mirror, standing back yet again to see it from a third person view, then taking another step back to look at myself looking at myself looking at myself looking in a mirror, in a neverending fashion that multiplies with every other thought. i've had ideas to paint it but haven't tried yet, i'll get around to it one way or another. i become conscious of the consciousness of my consciousness and so on and so forth, which on a constant basis makes me rethink the existence and nature of consciousness alltogether. most amazingly, none of this is confusing to me, even when i'm looking down a hallway of translucent irridescent mirrors. they're only irridescent for fun though :o)

By operating from the heart, you build a bridge of awareness from the third to the higher fourth dimension - a bridge that leads to the inner knowingness of the fifth dimension. In the fifth, awareness is guided by intuitive directives that free you from the endless cleansing and recovery of the fourth, and from the self-limiting fears and phobias of the third. Fifth dimensional intelligence provides streamlined inner efficiency - for you, me and the entire human race.
sara paddison

that it can rise again, more voluptuous than before! (orchestra carries on, upwards) elevating.
boundless. burdenless.

blossoms on the tree top. your green leaves flutter in my heart
it was dead and it is now alive again. yellow modest flowers, I want to sit next to you, exist closer to your soulful little form.

tractor, you don't belong here. for your sake as much as ours, I promise. you unfortunate being, you can't possibly feel comfortable in your overprocessed metal skin. I'm sure the flowers would help you if they could. I would too, but you are already here. there's little I can do.

droplets, you made rainbows! you made rainbows of our unnecessary little gadget! (my cell phone screen). I wish that I could do the same for you but I don't show mine oh so outwardly, no, I don't have that kind of grace.

oh, water! you are glistening and you know it. I bet you saw that little dance coming. it must be so beautiful to dance without a choice.

trash, you are just consequential. it's not your fault and I'll never judge. you just keep on being. One day you will be a part of the beauty you observe so longingly

i don't know what i want to write right now. or what i need to write. today at a certain moment my thoughts felt different than ever before. well, it wasn't so much that they felt different but that i percieved them in a different way which gave them a different feeling. it was beautiful though. i recognized that even in my least active moments my mind is flowing with thoughts that are deep rooted, connected, complex but simplified by upper level thinking only achievable by a human mind. the beauty and genius of the human form, and of any conscious creature or plant or anything in between, is something so far beyond us, but it is us. so we are as connected as could be, and i feel that and love that and am left in awe and inspired. yesterday, much more apparently than ever before, i understood the infinance that every person holds inside them. even if a person is so far from recognizing it, even if they've been held back by their limitations, there is no reason why endless amounts of beauty and life and inspiration cannot be pulled out of them. i truly believe that. and i also believe that i could show people that. yesterday i think i did, in little fleeting glimpses, but even if they were fleeting i could see their effects. i felt this ability within me that i could find ways to share the magic of the world with people, even just in tiny actions, even in a couple of words you can open up someone's world, bring them to see something new and suddenly their world is expanded. it's amazing. yesterday i wished that everyone could sit around outside all day every day and bounce off one another and expand their consciousness, fill the air with it, until the entire world is beaming with light even more than it already is.

i worried for years, just like every person does, that my life would not be as fulfilled or enjoyable or beautiful as it could be. where do you find the security of knowing that your life will be everything it can be? you see the door of endless possibilities and you step right in and start doing anything that comes to you. if i died tomorrow i would be happy with the level of beauty and love in my life. the idea that i might have many many more years to continue to fulfill my life is the ultimate blessing. i haven't yet scratched the surface of what i can do in this world. and, plenty of people haven't yet acknowledged that there is a surface

today i saw rainbow crystal prisms in the sky, a mind of infinite possibilities wrapping itself around starlight, bending around corners of air and explodin' in boundless iridescent formations


and much much more.

my life is everexpanding, growing with the world, blooming endless manifestations displaying it's own infinance, drenching all of my vision in color, light, energy, breathtaking ancient matter pulled into form by gravity and things we don't know but we feel.




infinance is becoming the vastest truth in my life, acting as a force it shapes the world in ways that blossom right before your eyes once your sight is enhanced with it's features. it is only a piece of the world but it's everywhere, all at once, directing growth with it's untouched unrestricted freedom. it has no weight but it moves the universe, driving our minds with the same vigor that it drives the dirt and the flowers and the vacuum of space..

i thank you god for this most amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday, and this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

seismic sea waves of warmwater current skim across my skin, my eager cells make quick time in their flawless heavensent descent. infinitesimal unseen secrets simmer on my hot surface,




etc etc etc etc

"Begin, my friend
                   for you cannot, 
                               you may be sure,
take your song, 
           which drives all things out of mind,  
                                            with you to the other world."  
                                          
                                                      Steve Reich-The Desert Music



wow.

intensely happy on an unimaginable number of levels

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
-e.e. cummings

honestly, could anything be more perfect?

hmmm. in retrospect it's amazing that I've found this kind of fulfillment and contentment and I'm only twenty. I never, ever would have thought a few years ago that I would be anywhere near where I am right now. but then again I didn't know this level of contentment existed, I didn't know this level of living existed. everything is in place, as new things come into view they fall directly into place without hesitation. to know someone who knows exactly what I know, even just one person, is as gratifying as anything and everything else put together. everything makes sense and it makes perfect sense that everything would make sense.